Life-Long lists

One of the first tasks I was given in my recovery from alcoholism, aside from don’t drink and go to meetings, and then do it again tomorrow - was to make a list of all the things I could not control. It turns out that was a long list. It included, for example:

• The weather

• The ocean

• The tides

• Gravity

• The orbit of the moon

• Asteroids

• Other drivers

• My mother’s mental illness

• The fact that I am an alcoholic

• Liars… 

The next list was an obvious follow up, but way shorter. It was the list of what I could control:

• My attitude

• My perspective

• Speaking or staying quiet

• How much I fuel my anger and resentments

• If I show up to work on time

• Going to meetings

• Not drinking…

At the end of the day, the person guiding me said it was simple. The only things you can control are your words, your actions, and some of your thoughts. If you keep your focus there, and actively choose to let go of the rest - that peace you are seeking, that ability to stay sober and sane and kind, the ability to have some sense of equilibrium no matter what the circumstances are around you - it will be yours. This has been true for folks in recovery and spiritual people for generations and it can be true for you, too. It has worked in times of war, in early sobriety, in times of great loss and tragedy and fear. The sphere of your control is small but critically important for your recovery, your life, and the world around you. Just remember - you can control 3 things: your words, your actions, and some of your thoughts - and then do it. Take responsibility for where you place the attention of your magic magnifying mind. Remember that what you do and say and think matters, but only so much in the grand scheme of things, because you are one person in an unimaginably large cycle of life and there are forces at work that are far beyond your influence and control. 

My new sober friends knew that this idea would be repulsive to me at first. After all, I firmly believed (and had been falsely taught) that I was the captain of my own ship, the chart-er of my own destiny - and my choices and effort and brains could take me wherever I wanted to go if only I applied myself. I realize now what an American, and what a white way of viewing the world that was. Nothing is holding me back but me is a statement that only holds true if there are no systems of oppression blocking your way, keeping you from education and employment or housing and healthcare or full and equal human rights. 

As a woman and as a queer person who did land on an unequal playing ground, I held on even tighter to the concept that if I just worked harder, even if it meant that I needed to be twice as good as my competitors and flawless in my interactions, that this was achievable and completely within my control. By my effort, my attention, my smarts, and my willingness to learn the ways and make my way in this unequal world, I could still chart my own destiny. 

Imagine the shock that came my way when I learned that the systems were bigger than my effort. That fairness is not a fundamental fact of life for any of us. That our effort matters, but it only goes so far. With all of my will and all of my skill, I could not make my mother better. With all of my will and all of my skill, I could not keep my grandmother from dying of cancer. With all of my will and all of my skill, I could not keep my body safe in the ways I wanted to. With all of my will and all of my skill, I could not make myself not be an alcoholic. 

You can use your will and your skill to make the list, my friend said. What can you control, and what is beyond your control? Acknowledging what is true and accepting it even if you don’t like it gives you room to work with the power you have and to make the changes you can. There is relief here, I promise, she said. 

These days I know I need to make those lists again. I need to see right in front of me the bare truth of what I can and cannot control. I need to find the relief of knowing what is beyond my effort, to see the systems that are bigger than any one person, and be clear about how and where I can influence things for the better. I need to know that even with a long list of what I can do, the list of what I can do is different than what I can control. I need to remember that the limits to what I can do are real, especially when I and sometimes the people around me so willingly toss my oxygen mask up into the sky. 

So, here are the stupid lists for today.

I cannot control:

• Trump’s words or actions

• Executive orders

• Corporations bending to the whims of what will make them money at the expense of the country, democracy, people and the earth

• The cowardice of others

• War

• Congress

• The supreme court

• ICE

• Other people - their votes, their actions, their words, their thoughts, their fear, their inability to see and act on the reality that our thriving is mutual not individual, their prejudice

• Greed and self-centeredness of others

• Mental illness

• Cancer, dementia, pain, car accidents, medical errors, childhood illnesses, infertility, addiction

• Whether or not I am an alcoholic

• The genes - with pros and cons - that I have inherited

• The stories and life experiences from my family that I have inherited

• The police

• Desperate people who make desperate choices and take desperate actions

• Generations of bad decisions and shortsighted choices

• Climate change

• The weather

• Fires

• Wind

• Water

• Ice and snow

• How and when I and people I love will get sick and die

• Lightning

• Border guards

• Tariffs

• The stock market

• What college my son decides to go to

• Online trolls

• If my daughter gets hurt playing hockey/running

• My wife’s job at the VA, and if it will be eliminated or will last until retirement

• The cost of college

• If the people the church accompanies in hard times will be able to build lives that lead to safety and joy

• If the people the church accompanies will stay safely housed. If they will be treated fairly. If they will be tortured, coerced, and manipulated. If their children will be taken from them.

• The many needs that people are bringing to the church and to me for safety and support, community and spiritual sustenance and hope

• The ways the church chooses to spend its money to meet the needs of the moment

• The church budget - especially the income. It is a shared responsibility of the community to raise the money it needs to live into the vision it cast. 

• The limits of what the church can afford to do and what it can’t afford to do - financially and publicly.

• If I will be arrested

• If my children will be safe from violence, from heartache, from having their hopes for a decent life in a world and a country that makes sense smashed

What I can control:

• How I focus my energy and attention

• What tasks I choose to take on, and how and when

• The relationships I nurture and build with others - and my input into how we focus our energy and attention and resources

• How much I have my phone on or off

• When I go to sleep and when I get up

• Walking and moving my body

• Eating healthy food

• Taking my days off

• Dedicating time to my relationship with my wife and children

• Naming and holding the limits of what I can and can’t do for others, for the networks of support for others that I am a part of

• My own spiritual practice - am I praying for real in the mornings? Making time to write?

• What networks I am a part of

• What networks/institutions/relationships I choose not to be a part of

• My own public words, presence, and actions

• My vote

• How and when I use my voice, my position, my power

• Some of how we spend our money, where we shop, with whom and how much we share

• What institutions I build up with my time, financial resources, energy and effort

• My own sobriety - getting to meetings, connecting with sober friends, daily prayer, reading

• Making room for rest and creativity

• If and how I invite others to build up institutions and communities with their time, energy, skill, and financial resources

• My learning and awareness of the ways that others do things and understand the world in ways that are different than me, and holding those differences with curiosity and compassion

• My learning and awareness of my own ways of doing things and why - and holding them with compassion and curiosity

• How much pinball I play

• How often I stop what I’m doing to pet the dogs and check in on my friends

• How much news I take in and from what sources and when

• What I show up to, and what I don’t

I know I’ll keep these lists open, and I can add to them in the days ahead when I get overwhelmed again. The specifics are different each day, but the summary is the same. I can control my words, my actions, and some of my thoughts. That’s it. I cannot control diseases or the Democrats. I cannot control systemic racism or Republicans. I can control how and when I use my presence, my voice, my position, and my power. I can control how I show up for my friends, my family, and my community. I can choose to see the whole world, planet and people, as my family. I can work to minimize the damage I cause in relationships and to our shared home. I can turn off my phone, I really can. I can make room for spiritual practice and the space that allows for creativity. I can detach from my addictions and nourish my spirit. I can read poetry and watch birds and with others, make a way out of no way sometimes, for someone or something to thrive.